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2,888 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Lie Detector

Joe was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Sarah had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day Joe came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that Joe claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 15 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked Joe.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said Joe, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Sarah.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said Joe. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to Joe and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Sarah doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Sarah and slapped her three times.

2,888 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
Pessimist and a Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

2,888 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
A Rabbi and the IRS

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to
audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books
he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a
free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
way: 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with
the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send
them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a
free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do
you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions
you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is
save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about
once a year they send us a complete dick '.

3,057 Posts
A motorcycle enthusiast is over at a friend's house. "You know, I've been wondering about something for a long time," he says. "How do you keep you cycle so shiny all the time?"

"That's my big secret," says his friend, "but since you're such a close buddy, I'll tell you what it is. I always carry Vaseline with me, so that whenever it rains when I'm out with my bike, I put Vaseline all over the painted areas, and it protects them from the moisture. Later, I wipe it down with a cloth, and it keeps the bike looking great. As a matter of fact, I just bought a whole bunch of Vaseline today - would you like a container?"

The guy says, "Sure, thanks! But now I gotta go. I'm supposed to meet my girlfriend at her parents' house for dinner. I've never been there before, so I can't be late."

So he puts the Vaseline in his pocket, gets on his bike and speeds off. When he arrives at the house, his girlfriend is waiting on the front porch. "Listen, honey," she says, "there's something you should know about my family. We have a strange little custom at dinnertime: the first person who speaks at the dinner table has to do the dishes."

"Oh, OK," he says, "thanks for the warning."

But he isn't prepared for what he sees next. When he goes inside, he sees dirty dished piled up in the front hallway. When he goes through the living room, he sees dishes piled up on the coffee table, on the couch, even on top of the TV. When he gets to the dining room, he can hardly pull a chair out to sit down, because of all the dishes on the floor.

At this point, realizing the situation he's in, he isn't about to say anything about the dishes, or anything else for that matter, so he sits down for dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

They sit there, eating quietly, and when everyone is finished, they all remain seated at the table, without saying anything. After about 15 minutes of silence, the guy starts to get antsy. He thinks, "I'm going to get the father to say something."

So he grabs his girlfriend, throws her down on the table, and has sex with her, right in front of her parents. Nobody says a word. So then he grabs the mother, throws her on the table, and does it with her. Still nobody says anything.

Suddenly, there's a crack of thunder outside. The guy leaps up and pulls the Vaseline out of his pocket. The father throws his napkin on the table and says, "ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"

2,888 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
True but funny

Funny if you don't have Son's - Funny much, much later if you do

1 . A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. 'Play dough' and 'microwave' should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool - you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Sacramento,CA has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms 'dizzy'.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

That's it in a nutshell, now you men can get to trying #8, just don't use Motul, it's too expensive......

2,888 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Pope in the woods

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it into the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

2,888 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Margaret and Bert

An aging couple named Margaret and Bert live in Canada.

Bert always wanted a pair of cowboy boots.

So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking
He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different
about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today
it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'


'Nope,' she replies.


To which Margaret replies...

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat!

2,888 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Reflecting on Marriage

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the kitchen. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?' he asks solemnly. 'Yes I do' she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have been released today!'

1,910 Posts
What the hell did you have for breakfast!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Thanks for the humor and thanks for making us laugh and think George.

1,070 Posts
I'm doin the brake fluid and clorox thing. Me and the boy! ahhhh, good times. FUNNY STUFF DUDE!!! Thanks. Now where are my flip-flops?

326 Posts
I'm pretty typical. My grandfather immigrated from the old country seeking freedom and a new way of life.

But grandmother followed him here and that was pretty much the end of that.

325 Posts
A hillbilly and a world traveler are at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter comes out and says,

"Sorry guys but due to overcrowding I can only let one of you in. To decide who gets in I'm going to have you both write poems, and whoever has the best one gets in. The only catch is that the poem must end in Timbuktu."

So the hillbilly and the world traveler go to work on their poems. About ten minutes later St. Peter comes back to check in.

"World traveler, do you have your poem?"

"Yes I do," and he read...

"As I walked across the desert sands,
searching for the promised land,
a caravan came into view,
destination Timbuktu."

"Not bad, not bad," said St. Peter. "How about you Mr. Hillbilly?"
And the hillbilly read...

"Tim and I a huntin' went,
we found three maidens in a tent,
they were three and we were two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

1,020 Posts
The Story of Pierre, Ze Famous French Fighter Pilot.

Pierre was on leave after a particularly gruelling tour of duty over Flanders. He’d been shot down by The Red Baron again, the third time in a row, which was tiresome. The CO was muttering darkly about charging his new Nieuport to his pay account. He needed some more convivial company than the rather aloof Rosbifs of the RFC who were sharing his squadron’s Officers Mess.

So off he went to his home town to visit his sweetheart, who he’d not seen for nearly a year.

When Pierre called on her & was shown into the parlour he was pleasantly surprised. The sweet young girl he’d left behind had blossomed, into a beautiful young woman, a lovely peach, ripe for the picking so to speak.

Now, Pierre was a handsome young man, & looked extremely dashing in his Pilots uniform & white silk flying scarf, with his Legion d’Honneur seemingly casually pinned to his tunic, so it was no surprise that, when he invited the mademoiselle to the pretty glade near to the stream where they used to kiss & hold hands, for un picnic, she said “Oui” very quickly.

Pierre had not been entirely faithful whilst posted, and had in fact learnt some very interesting lessons on his frequent trips in to town with his comrades, to a certain bar with some very friendly “waitresses”. He fully intended to put some of those lessons to good use.

The next day, Pierre had managed to procure a wonderful feast, with Fois Gras, Oysters, wine & cognac & the like. When they had finished the food & drank some wine (a little more than his sweetheart was used to, actually) she turned to Pierre & breathed gently, “Oh, Mon Cherie, it has been so long, kiss me!”

Pierre took a glass of red wine & gently dripped some over her lips & kissed her passionately.

His Sweetheart found this very pleasant indeed & said “Oh, my darling that was exquisite, but why the red wine?”

“I am Pierre, Ze Famous French Fighter Pilot, & when I eat red meat, I drink red wine.”

She breathed, a little harder this time, whilst unbuttoning the top of her dress,”Kiss me lower”.

So Pierre took a glass of white wine, which had been chilling in the stream, & poured a little over her heaving breasts, and kissed them passionately.

“Oh Darling, that was even better, but why the white wine?”

“I am Pierre, Ze Famous French Fighter Pilot, & when I eat white meat, I drink white wine.”

Then she panted, as she removed her dress, “Kiss me lower!”

So Pierre took a glass of Cognac, poured it over her nether regions, struck a match & set light to the Cognac!

The poor girl leapt into the stream to extinguish herself & cried” Mon Dieu, you maniac, why did you do that!”

“I am Pierre, Ze Famous French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”

Premium Member
648 Posts
Excellent Advice

I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you wish you were a better conversationalist?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side Effects May Include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and of course Beer may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results.
Please feel free to share this important information.

Premium Member
648 Posts
Front porch

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said "That's kind of hard to want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Excel Addict
5,134 Posts
Just noticed your posts wwahl.
Head over here for 3,200 replies.
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