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Premium Member
6,917 Posts

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

"In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves at all, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, and Utah, which she does not fancy).Our new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.God Save the Queen!

876 Posts
Dear Queen Mum,
Open to conversation on this score, but have need of some clarification. Do we still drink pints of said gnats whizz, or must we order in milliliters? Is curry really the best food you can manage or can we maintain our bbq tradition? and don't the Brits still drive in MPH not KPH? Y'all seem as confused as us Yanks. And, about Boris, well, we have an a-hole already but open to conversation on this subject.

876 Posts
I think this was recorded in 2004, so don't get all butt-hurt about, shall we say, "current events?" As true today as it was then..

Here's to Independence from Tyranny, Equal Protection under Law, Freedom from State-Sponsored Religion, Freedom of Speech, including especially dissenting voices since the goose-steppers positions are always safe under tyrants.

Premium Member
676 Posts
Shawn and Pat

There once were two Irish men, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends.
During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would buy and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass on.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?" Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can.
" Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?" "Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of Irish whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now? " said Pat. "Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
''It's a very ?old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly. "Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

177 Posts
Shawn and Pat
From my grandmother (Mary Katherine Kennedy):
Seamus O'Leary was walking home, had a flask of whiskey is his back pocket.
Walking across the street, he tripped on a cobblestone and fell flat on his ass.
As he got up, he felt something wet running down his leg.
He looked up to the sky and said "Dear god, let it be blood!"

Premium Member
676 Posts
Drinking philosophy

I’ll drink to gals that will.
And I’ll drink to the gals that won’t.
But not to the ones who say they will, but later decide they won’t.

Premium Member
676 Posts
Just found this post and thought I would share another funny story from a friend that lives in Singapore. He got a new Honda SUV for his wife for Christmas. He thought it would be nice to make it a surprise. So he parks the car in front of his apartment building and put the keys in a little box to give to his wife in the morning of Christmas. Christmas morning and he gives her the little box. She opens it (of course without paying attention to the key) looks at him with a surprised face and he tells her to look outside the window. She goes and starts to scream in disbelief and looks at him and asks if he is out of his mind. My friend finds a bit weird since he would not expect that much excitement from a Honda. He goes to the window and right next to the Honda there is a brand Lamborghini Urus with a huge ribbon on top of it. Clearly his wife though that was her Christmas gift. 😂 Now, talk about disappointment when she figured out that her gift was the Honda. Later they found out the Urus was a gift from another neighbor to their 18 year old son. 😳

Premium Member
676 Posts
Here's Harold


A new teacher was trying to make use of
her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks
they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The
teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to
see you standing there all by yourself!'

Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To
make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream
with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving

The math
teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him
and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied,
'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Here's Harold!

Harold's kindergarten class was on a
field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a
bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed
to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,'
said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold
asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from
horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and
chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His
father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they
are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said,
'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

If this brightened your day, don't let it
stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your

Señor Member
8,201 Posts
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'

2,490 Posts
A bass player dies and goes to hell
When he gets there, he’s surprised to find Keith Moon immediately greeting him.

“Hey man, you’ve gotta join our band. We’ve got Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn on guitar, and I'm on drums”

The bassist looks confused and says “wait, this is hell right? that sounds awesome!”

“Well Satan's got a girlfriend who sings”

4,893 Posts
A review for Haribos Sugar Free Gummy Bears (apparently better than prunes or cod liver oil)

Reviewed in the United States on December 24, 2014

To preface this, I will state that it is not good to upset anyone in the military supply network. This is especially true for a supply NCO (non-commissioned officer) who can be both creative and vindictive to those who earn his ire.

One of my biggest pet peeves was troopies who walked into my supply room and decided to go through things on my counter or desk. It is for this reason that I purchased two bags of these sweet little revenge snacks.

I briefed my minions that morning that the snacks were to be unsullied by their hands. I told them that I would know and it would not go unpunished by both myself and the higher powers. They thought I was joking, but decided to not test my authority before my eyes.

With that said, I placed the bowl on the back part of the counter just in reach of anyone loitering inside my supply room. The rules were posted for all to see when they came in. So, they were warned. A large sign that said, “If you touch my stuff, you will be punished.” They decided to test me, I guess.

On this weekend, we were set to do general cleaning and maintenance within the Battalion. So, my desk was rather busy (Battalion Headquarters supply room). I was in and out of my office all day. However, I made sure to take general measurements of my bowl of horror every time I came back.

Shortly before lunch, my unholy wrath began to strike. My supply room is one door down from the latrines and the row of male commodes is on the other side of the wall from my desk. It was the first, but was not the last.

It was initially heralded by the sound of Gabriel’s trumpet escaping the sphincter of one poor soul. He hit the latrine and sounded as if he kicked the stall door open. For the next thirty minutes, I listened to the sounds of a live humpback whale being butchered by a blind man wielding a chainsaw.

It was not long before another troop, this time a female, made her way to the latrine. She came from the indoor pistol range and had to cross in front of my door. I saw a pale woman with sweat streaking her face. She was hobbling with one hand on the wall for support and the other on her stomach praying for just a little more time.

For lunch, I ripped into an MRE (the Army brown bag lunch) and listened to the ever-growing chorus of those who had so far snuck down half of my bowl of brightly-colored Improvised Colon Explosive Devices. I was not sure if the other side of the building was seeing the same activity in the latrines, but the smell reached my door by the end of lunch. Good thing I was stationed with an Infantry unit for the first four years of my career, so I was accustomed to bad odors.

One of my minions did not return from lunch, so I volunteered another to perform a possibly suicidal scouting mission into the male latrine in search of my wayward soul. He was there, and had been since the beginning of lunch.

By 15:00 (3PM), I was told that the unit was being locked down and there was an emergency meeting in the Battalion briefing room. I had a suspicion of the reason, but attended as I was ordered to do so. By this time, my bowl of gelatinous bowel howitzer ammunition was one quarter filled.

The meeting began slightly off schedule. At 15:22, the Sergeant Major walked into the room and looked as if he had just performed a three-day combat operation without sleep. The Battalion X.O. walked in not long after and looked as if he had been intimately assaulted by a rather insistent horse. I used all of my military bearing to keep from cracking a joke about cavalry officers walking bow-legged.

The Battalion Surgeon walked in and told us that there was a high chance that the unit had come in contact with a strange stomach bug. Roughly half of the battalion was complaining of stomach cramps and explosive diarrhea. It seemed to mostly be affecting HHC (the headquarters) and C Co. (the company that was on the same side of the building as us—also the medics). Until symptoms cleared up, the unit was in lock-down and cleaning mode.

I went back to my supply room with the intent to bag up the remaining evidence of my involvement only to find that the bowl was missing. My minions were too wrapped up to notice anything, though. So, I began a search for the evidence that would probably land me in front of a firing squad.

The empty bowl was located in the admin offices. Someone found it and decided to liberate it from my supply room for the only group that I didn’t want to upset. But, they had already consumed the remainder of the biological weapons. As I left with the bowl, I heard the familiar sound of incoming fire from the senior pay clerk’s desk, followed shortly after by what sounded like Lamaze breathing.

That weekend, the entire building was cleaned from one side to the other. MREs were consumed in the hopes of plugging the torrential flood of liquid terror and every door and window was opened with fans going over a cup of Pinesol in every room. Three-quarters of the enlisted and half of the officers were hit with the mystery stomach bug and the medical supply room was in desperate need of more I.V. kits.

I don’t know if my message got across, but it was definitely an entertaining weekend

Official Retired Person
7,353 Posts
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

7,387 Posts
How many Classic Bike Owners does it take to change a tail light bulb?
1 to change the tail light bulb and to post that the bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being @holes.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
15 know-it-alls who claim that they were in the industry and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and GIFs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added: “I’m just here for the comments.”)
19 to post that this page is not about classic bikes, humor, and girls, and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that all cars use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED light bulbs
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post the letter “F”.
8 to ask what F means.
7 to post 'Following' despite the 3 dots at the top right that mean you don't have to.
3 to say "can't share".
2 to reply "can't share from a closed group".
36 people to post photos of their own light bulbs.
15 people to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or privately message an admin/moderator because someone said "S$%^!"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
3 to state sanctimoniously that this is supposed to be a friendly Facebook group and that all of this petty nonsense is a result of people abandoning courtesy.
5 admins to ban the posters who were insulting.
3 who come up with a conspiracy theory about light bulbs which either involves them catching Coronavirus or that the light bulbs will fry their brains.
5 to post ads for their businesses which sell, install, or change lightbulbs.
3 to remind them that this is an ad-free group.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
3261 - 3280 of 3282 Posts