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I was at the checkout of a local Walmart.
The cashier rang up $46.64 charges.
I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she
had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and
knew what she was doing, and she returned the money again.
I gave her the money back -- same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us! .....

I walked into a Starbucks with a
buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at
a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'
"They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said,
"so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us! .....

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"

They Walk Among Us! .....

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north; because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East,
and has for sometime; she shook her head and said,
"Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!! .....

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked
what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open
24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us! .....

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us! .....

My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed
that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.
The cashier multiplied two times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us! .....

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and
told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the airport, 3rd in line to land" .....

They Walk Among Us! .....

While working at a pizza place, I observed
a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut into four pieces or six..
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into four pieces.
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."

Yep, they walk among us.... bless their hearts 😊
 

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Like the cashier in Walmart that called the hard boiled eggs I was buying, Rooster bullets.
My comment that hens lay eggs not roosters, got that deer in headlights looks.
And this in NW Arkansas where they have billions of chickens.
OK, maybe millions, but Tyson is based there. Walmart too.

They are everywhere. :rolleyes:

And apparently they no longer teach how to make change like I learned.
Back in ancient times I guess. :ROFLMAO:
 

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They are everywhere. :rolleyes:

And apparently they no longer teach how to make change like I learned.
Back in ancient times I guess. :ROFLMAO:
Yeah, I think "teaching Change" was put a stop to after the Civil Rights Movement, Free speech Movement, and the protests against the American war in Vietnam.

.. ok that wasn't funny. here ya go:
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “”You can’t bring that dog in here!”” The guy, without missing a beat, says “”This is my seeing-eye dog.”” “”Oh man, “” the bartender says, “”I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.”” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “”You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.”” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “”Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!””

The second man replies “”This is my seeing-eye dog.”” The bartender says, “”No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.”” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “”What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?””
 

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Like the cashier in Walmart that called the hard boiled eggs I was buying, Rooster bullets.
My comment that hens lay eggs not roosters, got that deer in headlights looks.

They are everywhere. :rolleyes:
Shoulda told her Rooster Bullets is what makes da eggs.............................................ba dum dum tish!
 
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An Indian boy came to his father and asked “ Father, How did I get my name ? “
His father told him “ When a child is born to us, I step out of the teepee and look around.
When your sister was born, I saw a beautiful sunrise, so I named her Sunrise.
When your brother was born, I saw a white stallion, so I named him White Stallion.
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking ?”
 

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“A guy walks into a bar in Cork, Ireland, and asks the barman: “”What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?””

“”Are you walking or driving?”” asks the barman.
“”Driving,”” says the man.

“”That’s the quickest way,”” says the barman.
 

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A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown San Francisco, and saw a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Twin Falls, Idaho."

"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."---
 

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A 30 year old friend of mine who's stuck at home with her 2 year old son just posted this:


" Kid for sale!

The one that just took a hammer to the $450 LG smart tv and smashed the screen! 😊

Porch pick up only. Make an offer! It’s the smallest kid. 😉 best offer wins! "



(It's a joke, she's keeping him :LOL: )
.
 
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...job in San Francisco..
The annual salary is $65,000, but you'll have to go to Twin Falls, Idaho."
"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where you'll have to commute from based on that salary."
there, fixed that fer ya.
 

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“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
Long Pause
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”
 

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Subject: Fw: A Man's Age As Determined By A Trip To Home Depot




You are in the middle of a few projects around at your home
: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20s:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymorebecause it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember --the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'
.

In your 60s:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond :
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
 

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The Man Who Gave Up Sex for Golf…AND… Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining...


A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, some stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," and promptly sinks the putt!

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Could winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."

“Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley.”
 

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‌‌Our w‌‌hole f‌‌amily i‌‌s r‌‌eally w‌‌orried a‌‌bout m‌‌y g‌‌randfather’s V‌‌iagra a‌‌ddiction.

Grandma i‌‌s t‌‌aking i‌‌t p‌‌articularly h‌‌ard.
 

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big
"I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener?"
 

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Subject: A moving story

I love this story. Lay down what’s bothering you, breathe in the fresh air, and LISTEN to this story.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia backcountry.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
 

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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET #12659
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself:
The man replied.
'Well your Honor, it was like this:When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's
Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
 

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One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy"
 
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