Ducati.ms - The Ultimate Ducati Forum banner

3221 - 3240 of 3282 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
676 Posts
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?



DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
 

·
Retired Pipe Polisher C2H6O+
Joined
·
19,072 Posts
Lol! That took some thought. :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 

·
Retired Pipe Polisher C2H6O+
Joined
·
19,072 Posts
Or politicized...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
876 Posts
Dali Llama: there is no road. there is no chicken. there is only the shimmering Oneness.
 
  • Like
Reactions: scott

·
Registered
Joined
·
876 Posts
HA, ok..
Owsley: the chicken sat down next to the road, contemplating time and consciousness, whereupon he came to the realization that he and the road are one and the same floury-eggy, gooey mess.. in back of a KFC and why was he completely naked!?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
676 Posts
I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.
------------

The country has banned groups larger than 5. I
f you’re a family of 6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite.
-----

If this keeps up, I’ll be pouring wine on my cereal!


Code:
~~
[B]Today’s Weather? Room temperature.[/B]
~~
30 Days Hath September, April, June and November; All the rest have 31… except March which had 800.
Code:
~~

[B]Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. [/B] [B]Now weed[/B] [B]'s legal and school[/B] [B]'s closed… damn kids are living the dream![/B]
~~
This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer , and it came out as a rum & coke!
Code:
~~

[B]If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock,” don’t open it. [/B] [B]It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home[/B] [B].[/B]
~~
After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them. Now I understand dogs.
~~~~

Day 23 of social isolation and it’s looking like Vegas in my house: We’re losing money by the minute. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour. Nobody knows what time it is
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
676 Posts
Puns for Educated Minds

1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,
you'd be in Seine.

21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says,'Dam!'


23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says,'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
i
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
876 Posts
27. A Ducatista attempted to raise the lowest common desmo-nimator of the group. He must have been off his flaky rocker.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
676 Posts
Fix the fence


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? ”

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.

"I love my country; it's the government I'm afraid of!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
676 Posts
Mathematics:


With the upcoming chaos of this election season, I thought this would be appropriate for all my friends who are spread out all over the world. It is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?


What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?


Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.


How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 1617 18 19 20 21 22 2324 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissingwill take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while
Hard workand Knowledgewill get you close, and Attitudewill get you there. Its theBullshitandAss Kissingthat will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

Have you ever seen a better explanation than this formula..............
......................how true it is.....
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
676 Posts
How moral are you?
This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate...well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely and completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Miami with chaos all around you caused by a hurricane. There is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life trying not to be taken down with the debris.
Your move closer. Somehow the woman looks like...Good Heavens it's Nancy Pelosi.
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.
YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of Nancy Pelosi OR you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the last minutes of one of the world's most powerful women hell-bent on the destruction of the USA.
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question and please give an honest answer:
Would you:
A) select high contrast color film, or...
B) go with the classic simplicity of black and white.
 
3221 - 3240 of 3282 Posts
Top