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CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER SNATCH. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
Please send me her info.......
 

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Squirrels!

In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
 

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Comrades, this is favorite joke from glorious Soviet Union ... soon will be yours too!

A mother gives her small child a handful of kopeks and tells him; “Misha, go to the store and buy a copy of Pravda for your papa, a copy of Komsomol Pravda for yourself and a copy of Izvestia for me, and come straight back.”

As he leaves the flat, he meets his father coming up the stairs.

His father says, “Where are you going, Misha?”

Misha replies, “Mama sent me to the store to buy newspapers”.

“We have a radio; what do we need newspapers for?” asks his father; “give me the money!”

He takes the kopeks from Misha and goes back down to the street to buy vodka.

Misha goes back to the apartment.

His mother asks him, “What happened? Where are the papers?”

Misha explains that Papa intercepted him and took the money.

His mother sighs, gives him some more kopeks and says, “Go to the store and buy a copy of Komsomol Pravda for yourself and an Izvestia for me”.

Misha asks, “What about Papa?”.

“Your papa can wipe his ass with the radio
 

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Inner Peace

Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace during these uncertain times that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house around for things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Bourbon, a bottle of Tequila, a bodle of some old Pinot, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
 

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In light of the COVID toilet paper plight.

A bear is taking a shit near a log in the forest, when a rabbit sits down beside him to do the same. Bear looks over and casually asks “Hey, does shit stick to your fur?”
“No way!” says the rabbit.
“Great!” says the bear, then picks him up and wipes his ass...
 

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A blonde is having lunch at her local small cafe that is having a scratch off contest. The blonde scratches off the tag on her coffee mug and screams out “ iwon a motorhome, I won a motorhome!” The waitress tells her that can’t be, the biggest prize is a pastry. The blonde continues screaming out, “I won a motorhome, I won a motorhome!” The owner also tells her it can’t be, the biggest prize is a pastry, let me see your tag. It read, you won a bagel.
 

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Paraprosdokians :

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Sir Winston Churchill loved them).


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.

Sadly this is true!!!
Spread the Laughter, Share the Cheer and Let's be Happy, while we're here!
 

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Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely.
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

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God I have a true life story almost like that. But I ain’t had enough to drink yet to tell it proper. Yes, it involved the Colonel just after he came out of surgery and a really cute nurse. And I STG he got her name and phone number. True story. :)






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 

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This may have been posted before.

A young man comes out of a coma after an accident.
The nurse warned him, "You may not feel anything from the waist down"
"Can I feel your tits then?"
 
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