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1. The Pope & Trump
2. President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht.
3. The Pope accepted and during lunch a puff of wind
4. blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down
and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling

5. to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off,
6. saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it.”

Then Donald climbed over the side of the yacht,
walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,
walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,
and handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless. The security team and

7. the Pope's entourage were speechless.

No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC reported:

"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM”
 

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Bon Vivant
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10,575 Posts
Lemme fix that for you:

The Pope & Trump

2. President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht.
3. The Pope accepted and during lunch a puff of wind
4. blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down
and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling

5. to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off,
6. saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it.”

Then Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, Shot a whale, jumped on its back
Took a dump in the ocean and signed a new law into effect to dredge the coral reefs looking for oil

The crew was speechless. The security team and

7. the Pope's entourage were speechless.

No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

But that afternoon, Fox news, Rush Limbaugh, Breitbart reported:

"TRUMP WALKS ON WATER”
 

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Premium Member
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652 Posts
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "Be Jesus it's certainly not a ship."
And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten feckin years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.
"Faith and begorra,"said the man, "I tink it's so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the Irishman replied,
"Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"Tis de nectar of de gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you played a round?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;,
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
 

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652 Posts
Male Logic

THIS IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE.
PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS SEVEN QUESTIONS, WHICH HE ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY.

BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY ONE QUESTION FROM HIM
I BET THIS HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT TO MOST HUSBANDS O UT THERE:


WOMAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
MAN: YES

WOMAN : HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?
MAN: USUALLY ABOUT THREE

WOMAN: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?
MAN: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)

WOMAN: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
MAN: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE

WOMAN: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450.
IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?

MAN: CORRECT

WOMAN: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION,
THE
PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?
MAN: CORRECT

WOMAN: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN’T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?

MAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
WOMAN: NO.

MAN: WHERE IS YOUR AIRPLANE?
 

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Premium Member
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652 Posts
Male Logic

THIS IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE.
PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS SEVEN QUESTIONS, WHICH HE ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY.

BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY ONE QUESTION FROM HIM
I BET THIS HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT TO MOST HUSBANDS O UT THERE:


WOMAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
MAN: YES

WOMAN : HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?
MAN: USUALLY ABOUT THREE

WOMAN: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?
MAN: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)

WOMAN: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
MAN: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE

WOMAN: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450.
IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?

MAN: CORRECT

WOMAN: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION,
THE
PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?
MAN: CORRECT

WOMAN: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN’T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?

MAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
WOMAN: NO.

MAN: WHERE IS YOUR AIRPLANE?
 

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652 Posts
Old age

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well . . . You'll Love this One.
My Name Is Alice , And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.
I Noticed His Dds Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-Haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-Odd Years Ago.
Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?
Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.
This Balding, Gray-Haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.
After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School .
'Yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride.
When Did You Graduate?' I Asked.
He Answered, 'In 1975. Why Do You Ask?'
You Were In My Class!’, I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely.
Then, That Ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled Faced,
Fat-Assed,
Gray-Haired,
Decrepit
Son-Of-A-Bitch
Asked,


'What Did You Teach???
 

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Official Retired Person
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7,226 Posts
Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading forum comments
You hang in there, sunshine
 

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Premium Member
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1,203 Posts
Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading forum comments
You hang in there, sunshine
You called me sunshine............luv you 2........
 

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Premium Member
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652 Posts
ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER

John Tucker, St Johns NL Canada This, apparently is an actual letter received by the Canadian Passport Office from an irate Newfoundlander attempting to renew his passport.
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!!!! What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the friggin city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed An Irate Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in Newfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor -
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!
 

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yah gots to love the Newfoundlanders We doesn't gets to call them Newfies anymore, Never was a derogatory term in our books just Newspeople Politicians and Imported New Canadians who see it as Offensive.
 

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652 Posts
Marketing

The buzz Word in today's business world is MARKETING. However,
people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well,
here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go
up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome
guy. One of your friends go up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get
his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm
fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk
up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say,"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs
your ass. That's the Governor of California

10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were
offended. That's America.
 

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572 Posts
LOLz. love it. So #9 was who, Ahhhnold Schwartzenegger? OK, so the story continues:

11. You are at a party; this dumpy old man having a bad hair life walks up to you and grabs
your vaginny and brags about it. That's the President of the United States.

12. You are offended, but his buddy the newspaper man bought your story with an exclusive clause so you can't give it to anybody else. He then deep sixes the story to hide it.
 

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North Carolina, USA
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3,316 Posts
LOLz. love it. So #9 was who, Ahhhnold Schwartzenegger? OK, so the story continues:

11. You are at a party; this dumpy old man having a bad hair life walks up to you and grabs
your vaginny and brags about it. That's the President of the United States.

12. You are offended, but his buddy the newspaper man bought your story with an exclusive clause so you can't give it to anybody else. He then deep sixes the story to hide it.
Yes, the story continues: You took the newspaper man's money and spent it on nifty stuff, and now you want to whine about it...
 

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572 Posts
Donald Trump and Bill Clinton walk into a bar together. Having a whiskey, they reflect on the impeachment troubles they now share. Bill sez, "Donald, where you screwed up is, you paid the wrong people! You paid off the strippers, the prostitutes and the lawyers! What you should have done is paid the whistleblower, under the table, like I did."
 

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Premium Member
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652 Posts
Norwegian virgin wedding

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick
kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the
ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad
is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancé, Lena , is still
a virgin -- in every vay.

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it
heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere
as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4
sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their
honeymoon to Duluth . That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse
to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first
vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and
replied:

"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"
 

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There was once a Viking named Rudolph the red.

He was sitting at his kitchen table when his wife came down the stairs.

He turned and said, "Its going to rain today"

She asked, "what do you know about weather"

He replied , "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear"

Merry Christmas !!!
 

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Señor Member
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8,102 Posts
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
 

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Norwegian virgin wedding

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick
kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the
ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad
is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancé, Lena , is still
a virgin -- in every vay.

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it
heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere
as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4
sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their
honeymoon to Duluth . That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse
to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first
vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and
replied:

"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"
Olaf and Swenson are Swedish names, not Norweigian. Get it straight or we'll send the night nomes, yah ya betcha.
 
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