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Premium Member
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647 Posts
You can't make this stuff up!

This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against, among other things, Fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the
claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a
policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to
pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss
of the cigars that perished in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART???

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
 

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Premium Member
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647 Posts
The Importance of Walking

The Importance of Walking


Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $7000 per month..


My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and
We don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them.!!!
 

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Señor Member
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8,066 Posts
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?’
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets in the bed and looks at me kind of sexy way and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.’
'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!
 

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Super Moderator
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5,287 Posts
 

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Registered
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257 Posts
As a road and mountain bike racer who has done a bunch of races (before I got fat and out of shape) that link just got sent to about 10 of my biking friends. My phone won't stop buzzing, hahah.
 

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Administrator
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11,957 Posts
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America


Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

And now to address GENDER EQUALITY . . .

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' -He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE..'
 

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Premium Member
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647 Posts
This is what happens when you go to Church in CHICAGO

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were to be guest preachers at a nearby church In Chicago, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?

He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, he just smiled and moved to the next person.

But then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."

Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside - lo and behold they were right….

My car was gone !
 

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Official Retired Person
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7,150 Posts
A simplified urine test that may be relevant for us!!??

Go outside and pee in the garden.
If ants gather:- diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- prostate.
if it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.
if when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.
if you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimer
 

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Official Retired Person
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7,150 Posts
A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."
 

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Premium Member
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647 Posts
“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", " To write with a broken pencil is pointless."An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original Lexophile.This year's submissions:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
 
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