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I now this is a repeat, but I sent this to someone today and I am still laughing.

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old replied, "logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "my point exactly."
 

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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guys sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does he go?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
 

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A guy robbed my local Chick-Fil-A last month. The staff complied, and quickly began stuffing the money into a bag.

He took off with the entire day's profits, two free chicken sandwiches, and a free iced tea along with an apology for the wait. The entire event took 43 seconds.

He was caught the next day when he tried to do the same to a McDonald's. Police were called to the scene when he demanded the money, but due to understaffing issues with the police department, were not able to respond for four hours. He was still there, waiting. When interviewed, they asked the employees how much he had taken. They responded "Well, I gave him $86.05, but he dropped a $10.00 bill and a nickel, so he actually got..... I think that came out to like $36.00."

Since they could not assess the financial loss, he was free to go. Chick-Fil-A declined to press charges, forgave the man, and thanked him for choosing their restaurant.
 

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A man goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

A woman dentist pulls out a gum numbing needle to give the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

She then starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. “I can’t do the gas thing either – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. “No,” he says, “I am fine with pills.” She then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”

The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill!” “It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued: “But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth!”
 

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I asked the dentist if her job was tough.
she said, sometimes it's like pulling teeth. :p

I've had some recent experience with this.
The needle to the gums is not so bad, nor the pain after.
What sucks is seeing the medieval tools on the tray and then the dentist pushing back and forth on the tooth until it is loose enough to pull out. Pressure! Then a piece of root got left behind apparently, and the root pick is requested.
Ugh. :(
 

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A crusty old Army First Sergeant found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the First Sergeant for conversation.

"Excuse me, First Sergeant, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The First Sergeant just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The First Sergeant said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
 

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A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW. There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big gum.
As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-grow
th timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, they turned you down.
 

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The problem with political jokes is they're not really jokes are they? Politics are so inflamed right now I dont see any upside to posting even things that are supposed to be funny - they arent.
exactly. post pulled. sadly we're in a cold civil war right now and it's taking a lot of effort not to hate. I reckon we'll eventually get through it and be able to truly joke in good spirit about our differences. Till then let's focus on motorcycles and farts and sex.
 

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Fix the fence

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? ”

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.

"I love my country; it's the government I'm afraid of!"
 

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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
 
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