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I have a button.. BITCHES!
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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Take a deep, it wasn't Fizzy. It was My kids 50cc Baja dirt bike. The bike is ok. Me? Not so much.....

Yesterday the boy was out putt-putting around through our 2 1/2 acres of woods on His Chinese 110cc four wheeler. I was burning some dead limbs in a fire. Everytime the Boy emerged from the woods, He'd come cruising just past Me, turn the bars, snark the motor, and throw dirt on Me. Then He'd roar off laughing not able to hear My swear words over the motor. After a couple of more times (and a couple more beers), I got tired of it and went after His little punk ass on the dirt bike.

That was Mistake #1.

So, I startle the Hell out of the Boy when He realizes I'm right on His bumper laughing maniacally. He screams like a chick and takes off through the woods. I follow Him all down through a bunch of trails that I had cut for the kids to ride on. I ain't gonna lie, We were pushing the envelope.

That was Mistake #2.

When We emerged from the woods, He hooks a hard left which puts Him up on two wheels. He screamed like a chick again but managed to save it. I missed the turn due to the fact that I'm having to stand up on the bike's pegs the whole time instead of in a seated position which makes the bike bottom out.

That was Mistake #3.

I pin the bike and shoot around the house to head Him off from going back into the woods. He could move better than Me in the woods. The leaves and pine needles in there are a foot deep. I just kept sliding and skeeting in there. I figured that if I could cut Him off and get in front of Him, I could throw rooster tails of dirt on Him for payback.

That was Mistake #4.

So, the pun....the Boy sees Me coming around. I saw that 'OH SHIT' look on His face. Instead of trying to dodge Me, he just held His line. That forced Me to do a wobbly assed moving endo to avoid hitting Him. The boy looked back giggling and shot off back around the house. I did a beautiful power slide in our gravel driveway and stopped to assess the situation.

That was Mistake #5.

In order for Me to cut the boy off from the woods, I was gonna have to make a run at Him through one of His Mothers flowerbeds. I thought about this for a moment because His Mother is mean and if She were to find out that I had ridden a dirt bike through Her flowerbed, She would inevitably stab Me in the forehead with a fork. I listened real close to the arguement in My head. The beer side of My brain said "Pff. Go get the punk" That sounded reasonable enough to Me so I yelled out "EFF IT!" and pinned the bike.

That was Mistake #6.....and the final one.

I hit the bed....standing up.....at about 25mph. I was trying to 'scoot' across it to not do much damage to the bed. I misjudged the depth of the mulch and this years leaves and pine needles. The front end tucked to the right and buried itself. I INSTANTLY folded up like a $5 lawn chair. I didn't even have time to put My hands out. I basically face-planted with My arms folded under Me. But, that's not the worst part. The right side of the bars buried in the mulch which left the left side....You guessed it...sticking staight up like a spear that You would impale someone on. This 'Someone' was ME! Or should I say....My crotch. The bar end jammed My right nut UP INSIDE ME then damn near went THROUGH the spot where My thigh meets My body.
As I layed there cursing and moaning, I heard the Boy pull up and cut the atv off. He squatted down next to Me and said "You ok Dad?". I rolled over onto My back and He started helping Me get all the mulch and leaves and crap from My hair, the inside of My shirt, and My mouth. Then the Boy helped Me get up. All I could do was walk around all bent over muttering the eff word.

You should see the way it looks today. It's nasty ass eff. The whole area where My inner thigh meets My 'crotchal' area, including part of the 'crotchal' area, is a big nasty purply/yellowy bruise. It hurts like a Mo Fo.

I'd post a pic but I'd have to expose Myself. I don't want to heat up any of the Wimmin folk.



The end.
 

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The Road Beckons...
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2,298 Posts
What did your son say about his crashed dirtbike? Your wife is going to stab you in the forehead for messin' with her flowers. Tsk tsk tsk.
 

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Retired Pipe Polisher C2H6O+
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19,072 Posts
I ain't saying nothing. Nothing. Dumb ass. :)
 

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Trackday Junkie
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1,374 Posts
Before I got the Duc, I had a carbon fiber, Ohlins suspended, BST shod, cammed Hayabusa. Got it to 178 rwhp and 465 lbs w/ a full tank. It was fast.

For 35k hard miles & 8 years, I toured on it, drag raced the piss out of it, flew in the mountains for thousands of miles, took it to dozens of track days and ripped it up on the course, and overall just rode the beejee-sez out of it.

And then came the accident.

Not on the Hayabusa, but on my chinese pocket bike that I bought for $250.

Which promptly bucked me off of it going over a big bump in the concrete (there is no suspension, wheels direct to frame).

And that was the first time I broke my collar bone. Those things are dangerous.
 

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338 Posts
hahaha ... too funny
To try to catch a fast kid on a pocket bike ... you ask for it!
Thanks god you are ok thus. Those kids are dangerous :d
*Dad's ... don't try this at home :)
 

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Retired Pipe Polisher C2H6O+
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19,072 Posts
Was it Einstein's formula that went

Kids minibike + grown up = plaster / stitches.
 

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I have a button.. BITCHES!
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8,971 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
That is all on top of....

Next week I have to have My elbow operated on. I've had a torn tendon in it for over a year. It's bad effed up.

Last week, I decided to start the kids tree house that I've been promising to make, and I fragged My back up bending to get a hammer. I can't sit for more than ten minutes at a time or I get locked up. I can move around good though. I just have to keep moving.

Also later that day, I had a six foot aluminum ladder leaned against a tree working on the treehouse, and when I stepped off, the ladder fell and caught me on My lower left back/hip area as I was walking away. It caused a nasty gash.

I'm also still battling an ulcer.

A couple of days ago I slammed MY OWN thumb in the car door.

I have a fork in My forehead.


I am effed up.
 

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The Road Beckons...
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2,298 Posts
That is all on top of....

Next week I have to have My elbow operated on. I've had a torn tendon in it for over a year. It's bad effed up.
MH, you will want to tell your surgeon about the bruise. Normal hospital procedure has you completely naked during any surgery where you are under anesthesia. The surgeon might think something is wrong if he sees the bruise and doesn't know about it.

***With that in mind, anyone who is going to have surgery, make sure to man-scape as there are various medical personnel besides the surgeon that sees your junk.
 

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I WON Mrs Cupcakes ;)
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2,958 Posts
im saying bullshit

last time we had a metlehead story about how he hurt his finger real bad .. and posted a picture of a tiny GRAZE

just how hurt can you get falling in a flower bed with 100 inches deep of mulch ?

i believe the fork though - post a pic !

:D
 

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Premium Member
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12,254 Posts
I think he is lookin for sumbuddy to start a collection for him...
Sorry Gilly , Hope it ain`t too soon...:eek:

Think of the kinds of sh!t you would get into if you got off the Training Beer and drank the real stuff...

Hope you heal up better than ever, Six Million $$$ Man , comes to mind...
 

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I have a button.. BITCHES!
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8,971 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
This injury has also dampened My 'Shimmy Shimmy' life (That's 'sex' life for all You slow people).

Even though My crotch area looked like 'The Elephant man', I was still a tad fired up this morning. I asked the Ol Lady did She want to have sets and She thought about it, shrugged Her shoulders, and went "Ok". When I ripped down My pants, She looked at My crotch and yelled "FUCK!". Then She went shopping.
 
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