Sonofabitch...it was the fuse.
I'm 32 years old, been driving for 17 years, riding for 8. This is not my first bike, or even my first Ducati. This is, however, the first time I've had a blown fuse on a vehicle. I knew Ducatis were tempermental, but to blow a fuse with only 267 miles in the clock? Wow. This is going to be a fun relationship.